*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
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me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts