Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
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reviewed some movies recently
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
*puts cutlery down*
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out