Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

🤣could you imagine

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

Potatoes were such a good idea

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

Spotted in the wild

Travel bloggers during quarantine

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??