Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

That’s easy for you to say

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers