Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
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I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
mmm onion ringos
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore