Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.