@LuckoftheDraw86

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

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@karlainvt

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@MissSassy_Pants

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

@MomOnFire

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

@SenseiSandwich

*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”

@godthewoman

Forget plastic surgery. Enhance your beauty by getting those around you drunk

@gigglegirlnoel

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

@mrjohndarby

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

@GoodZiIIa

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby