@LuckoftheDraw86

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

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@mdob11

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

@thetobbie

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

@Staggfilms

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

@WheelTod

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

@ColoradoCrow

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

@upsidedowntrash

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

@NewDadNotes

[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope

@marrowing

every time my laptop fans start going mental I lean in and whisper “are you mining bitcoin you little shit”

@ElgatoEsmio

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff