It’s true what they say: shut up.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Forget plastic surgery. Enhance your beauty by getting those around you drunk
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby