Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
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I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.