Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?


Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…


HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*


BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.


*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number


Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight


Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”


Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.


[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope


every time my laptop fans start going mental I lean in and whisper “are you mining bitcoin you little shit”


[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff