Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
