Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

cause of death:
autopsy.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

Banking tips

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!