GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.