Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*