good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
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I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
S O O N
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.