Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.