Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Imma just leave this here…………
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back