Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
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Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
This is I, Robot all over again
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
im gay on my mothers side
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings