Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

The Compass

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

🤣

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.