Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.