GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
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If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
You are what you delete.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake