Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare