GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
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If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
when mom throws a party…
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.