GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.