GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
You Might Also Like
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that