Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

Worst Native American name ever.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*