GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
New tinder profile pic
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
God has abandoned us.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.