GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
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Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Showerkraut
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.