Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

Flowers bee like

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy