Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Y’all know who you are.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too