Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Frog purse.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
🙄😏😂🤣
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried