Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Quadruple digit IQ
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on