Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
You Might Also Like
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
🤣😂
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you