Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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My therapist after every session
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.