Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
oh my god
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district