Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
You Might Also Like
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
why would tinder want me to say this
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw