Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

☠️☠️☠️

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.