Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep