Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
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I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Incredible customer service.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me: