Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when i see my girls butt

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

SQUARREL

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

going to bed

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no