Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
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My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Pretty much! 😂👀
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
this makes me so uncomfortable
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me