Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
You Might Also Like
How dude HOW?!
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
