@huntigula

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

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@onion_an

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

@suecorvette

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

@dril

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

@Cravin4

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@AbrasiveGhost

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

@junejuly12

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

@2Saddington

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

@Gupton68

[playing nunchucks]

Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother

@poutinesmoothie

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

@web_supergirl

Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.