Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
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Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Don’t we all.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
uncle dave has been through hell