Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”