Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

I had to Stop for this

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.