Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

Awesome parenting 😂

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.