Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Covid like

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”