Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
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Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840