Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

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My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.


My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.


Telling another person you’re superior to them while you’re both on twitter is like a meth addict telling a heroin addict they should get off drugs.


I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.


Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.


I pretend I’m on the phone when entering a barbershop & say “I stabbed him only cause I hate small talk ” so he doesn’t try to talk to me.


Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.


When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.


I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.