Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.