Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

.. do you even science?

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

Who knew!

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

Godspeed, John Glenn

Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.