Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE