Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
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when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
mechanics be like
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.