Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.