Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
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I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My god she’s good.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Canadian owl: Eh?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “