Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#parenting

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

These are my emotional support Pringles.

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?