Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles