Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

Doug is just Canadian for dog

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

Peace was never an option

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough