Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

how many bears make up a bear minimum

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies