Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon