GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
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*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.