GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
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I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ