Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.