Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.