Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
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When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates