Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

i love modern commerce

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.