GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
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Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
The three genders.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
every single time
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog