Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

Anarchy

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then