Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

me linking you to my twitter

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america