GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom