Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
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.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
PLOT TWIST:
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Otters see a butterfly.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
who called it hell and not heaven’t
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…