Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine