Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

could’ve been anyone

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Google reviews are always so mixed..

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”