Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

I disagree with my politics

Practicing safe sax

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee