Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

being a writer on Twitter:

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse