Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
*jingles half the way*
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror