Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

every man in east london

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps