Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
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Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]