good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Cndnsd Mlk
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
huge if true: the moon
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher