good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker