Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

uncle dave has been through hell

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

rich people when they have to pay taxes

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.