Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!