Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
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Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Great game to play with friends
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?