Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.