Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel
Cop: ya so what
Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage
Cop:*macing me* son of a
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
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To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular.
Wondering if “inbred whackadoodle” paints a full picture.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.