Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
You Might Also Like
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
The Sun
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak